5 Facts Every Resilient Person Knows

Resilience Can Be Learned

Resilience, or our capacity to withstand painful and disruptive life experiences (and even catastrophes), is taking on more importance than ever in the uncertain world we live in today. Surviving dysfunction, disappointment, and devastation in love and work has always been a part of our lives. But these days, the day-to-day news cycle seems to create a never-ending barrage of anxiety and sadness. The foundational belief that we live in a relatively safe, sane, and predictable world has been shaken to the core.

Let me be clear about one thing: Resilience doesn’t mean you don’t feel devastated or that you're not affected deeply; it means you can handle the losses and pain life delivers, recover, and thrive again. For decades, researchers have wondered about resilience. After thousands of studies and years of research, we have found five essential facts about the quality of resilience.

We know that there are several components to recovery after a painful event: Remembering who you are even as life falls apart, having a strong support system, and being able to imagine life getting better even if it isn’t so great right now. Resilient people believe we are a part of something larger than ourselves, whether we call that humanity, nature, or give it a religious name. Resilient people know how to bend but not break, how to ask for help, and how to remember that who they truly are is not what happens to them. Rather than numbing themselves to their pain, they find positive ways to manage their distressing emotions and feelings: meditation, exercise, proper self-care, pets, family and friends, and pursuit of their passions.

Years ago, there was a lot written on the phenomenon of "super kids," or children who had every imaginable problem at home but who still found a way to thrive. The single quality they all shared was having at least one person in their lives who believed in them. It could be an aunt, a coach, or a woman who lived down the hall, but that person reminded them that they were more than the poor cards they were dealt. Research continues to support the theory that people with better relationships have higher emotional intelligence, think more creatively, and are more likely to ask for help. Being a part of a community also means we have other people to pay attention to, nurture, and remind us that we are not the only ones who are suffering and rebuilding.

The focus on "being positive" has gotten a lot of press recently, but we are hardwired to remember painful experiences and negative events. We need those memories for protection. We also need ALL of our emotions. Repressed grief, anger, and fear lead to both psychological and physical problems.

People who are resilient know how to grieve their losses, express their anger and fear, and rebound from those feelings by going through them rather than denying them. Through doing this, they can truly embrace ways to find the gifts of compassion, wisdom, and inner strength that painful events have to offer.

We know many stories of heroes and heroines who have gone through unimaginable losses and come out with tales of wisdom learned and a deepening of soulfulness. It is easy to think they went through their experiences almost smiling. This is not true, of course, and it's normal to feel like giving up, to doubt one’s ability to recover, and to wonder if you will ever have a night free of sorrow and sleeplessness. Passages of birth and death of any kind are full of excruciating moments, exhaustion, and momentary losses of faith in our own recovery. Resilient people can accept this as a part of the whole, and they know when to reach for the phone, grab an inspirational book, or go to the gym. They do this even when it doesn’t seem like it will help.