…During Challenging Times
In my previous blog, I shared my difficult decision to end my friendship with Iris. A once meaningful connection based on humor and shared experiences moved to persistent pressure on me to adopt her biblical interpretations and join her end-times preparations. Many readers responded with similar stories about relationships strained by religious and political divisions.
I’m now seeing another dynamic unfold—one between couples who are struggling with how to process the constant barrage of distressing political news. Even couples who share similar views on the recent changes in our country’s governance may have different approaches to living a sane and meaningful life when surrounded by expressions of fear, outrage, and anticipatory trauma of what is coming next.
For one person, the answer is to avoid the news as much as possible, while for their partner, doomscrolling is a way of life, and they feel safest when the TV is on and the latest podcast is being played. One person wants to talk about their feelings all the time. At the same time, their partner won’t tolerate discussions of anything related to politics. One couple I know is contemplating breaking up their family because one partner is convinced that filling their lawn filled with flags and expressions of their beliefs and spending their weekends devoted to marches and political protests is the only way to keep the fear away, which only increases the anxiety of the other partner, who wants to spend time off working in a community garden or playing music. How do we negotiate these differences? How do we create safety together when couples need to soothe themselves in such opposite ways?
Gary Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages has remained a bestseller for over three decades because it captures a fundamental relationship truth: “You are not me.” We all have different needs for and ways of connecting, especially during difficult times. Chpaman’s key to living with someone fundamentally different from you lies in showing kindness, being patient, and honoring those differences.
What is the key to living with someone who responds to the challenges of the recent political changes differently from the way that you respond? The core answer lies in showing kindness, being patient, and honoring your differences.
If politics is putting pressure on your relationship, here are nine strategies that will contribute to your own well-being and the health of your relationship:
- Remember the phrase “you are not me,” and find ways to talk about what each of you needs. Consider that self-care is the first ingredient in navigating stressful times, whether you need to express, be silent, distract yourself, do something physical, or enjoy a hot tub. Knowing how to nourish yourself is the basis for a healthy relationship.
- Set boundaries for sharing media, including social media, TV, and newspapers, as well as conversations, based on each person’s need to talk about it.
- Find time for date nights, walks, and meals where you talk about your day and what you appreciate about one another and your life together.
- If you want to spend more time expressing your political convictions, and your partner doesn’t, volunteer with a local advocacy group that aligns with your values and find ways to connect with people who share your need to vent, process, and respond to what’s going on.
- Understand anticipatory anxiety and trauma, and if you find yourself in an alarming state of stress over what might happen in the future, don’t go to your partner for comfort—seek professional help. You are not alone; in fact, counselors are starting to offer something new called “political anxiety therapy.”
- Always keep in mind the five C’s in your relationship: communication, commitment, compassion, compatibility, and chemistry. They still need to be nurtured, no matter what is going on in the world.
- Talk about your relationship origin story with your partner and remember that the person you fell in love with is still there. Lean into this excellent quote by John Gottman—“Appreciation is the sunshine of relationship”—and show your appreciation generously.
- Be mindful that stress reduces our capacity to support someone who is different from us and makes being vulnerable even harder than usual. Even when couples share the same values, they often cope differently, so it’s more important than ever to show each other compassion and understanding.
- This might be a good time to explore the work of the University of California Professor Dacher Keltner on awe and the growing science of wonder. His book offers new research into how awe transforms our brains and bodies, and he offers eight pathways to help us experience this essential emotion. Reading the book, listening to his podcasts, or watching him speak may give couples (and individuals) a chance to explore something new, which could be a deeply rewarding and shared adventure.
And for the women who would like to know more about the power of AWE to change our world and the “eighth wonder of life” to get there, please consider joining my virtual women’s group; try the first session at no charge and see how you like it. Here’s a link for you to learn more: AWE: The New Science of Everyday Wonder.
Warmly,
